Trannies, T-Rex Prints, and Boobs: A Straight Guy's Guide to New Trends

Last time Justin guest blogged for me, I gave him full freedom and let him sound off on a couple of things he doesn't like seeing girls wear. This time, however, I gave him specific current or upcoming trends in high fashion to comment on.

BOOBS

Above: Louis Vuitton Fall 2010 Ready to Wear;
"One time an angel came down to Earth wearing this dress. She was telling me about infinite benevolence, the planar intersections of reality, and the meaning of life. Humbled beyond description, the only thing I could say was, "I'm sorry, what? I couldn't help staring at your tits." - Justin Keller

Curves are back! Not since before Kate Moss started a waif revolution in the '90s have curvy bodies been acceptable in high fashion, but recently designers have decided that busty is indeed beautiful. Scary skinny models have raised eyebrows for several seasons now, but the official turning point came during the Louis Vuitton Fall 2010 Ready to Wear show. Every single look that came down the runway highlighted a heaving bosom and shapely hips. Check out plus size model Crystal Renn's debut in Chanel's Resort 2011 show if you still don't believe me. - Maggie Conner

Boobs is a trend I can totally get behind. There has been a boob drought of dust bowl proportions. But WHY? Why are boobs so awesome? I have absolutely no idea and I've been trying to figure it out incessantly since I was in the third grade.
- J.K.

ROMPERS

Above: Gossip Girl star Blake Lively in a romper

A celebrity favorite, rompers aka "playsuits" can be cut super short without the fear that the wearer will flash everyone when she bends over. It's a practical summer alternative to a sundress. - M.C.

Maggie explained these to me as "like a dress, but shorts." After some extensive Wikipedia-ing I have come to the conclusion that she is correct, but I think some legislative intervention needs to happen. Where are the research funds to determine whether or not these are something entirely different? What if they're "shorts... but a dress?" I also don't understand the mechanics behind this. If the dress is sewn to the shorts where you put the shorts on; and the shorts are sewn to the dress where you put the shorts on- how do you put it on? I'm going to have to pop down to the Fashion Bug to investigate. Why The Fashion Bug? Oh, because from looking at it that's where I'm thinking I'll most likely find it. Right next to the combination muumuu/sleeping bag, three-piece track suit, and the other unnecessarily ridiculous garment conjugations. - J.K.

CUT OUT SWIMWEAR

Above: Hervé Léger by Max Azria Resort 2011

CUT OUT SWIMWEAR IS FOR THE TRANSEXUALS THAT CAN AFFORD GOOD BOOB JOBS. PERIOD. (Oh, and you too, Miami.) - J.K.

HAREM PANTS

Above: Gwen Stefani in tie dyed harem pants;
"If rappers started dressing like this again, maybe I'd start listening to their music again." - J.K.

Harem pants (aka dhotis) saw their heyday with MC Hammer in the 80s, but recently have been reappearing in fashion. SATC2's Arab setting might give them yet another surge in popularity. - M.C.

Harem pants originated out of necessity, not style. Imagine having a bevy of beautiful women ready to fulfill your every need. You're going to need all the extra room in the crotch you can get, sheik! On girls, though, I'm not sure. I feel strangely compelled to host a slumber party though, and I'm pretty sure that's a good feeling - but it could be that these pants are basically Snuggies for your bottom half. - J.K.

CUTOFF SHIRTS/CROP TOPS

Above: Alexander Wang Fall 2010 Ready to Wear;

"Slippery Slope Alert! If we let this come into style, Mullets for women are probably next. JUST SAY NO!" - J.K.

On supermodels I'm calling this "totally awesome," but this is a time when I get worried about the stupid people. Not so much the stupid people, as much as people that don't know how to not look like meth addicts. Then we have problems. Cops start to see lots of meth addicts wandering around the cool parts of town and the next thing I know, I have a lot of explaining to do about why I have all these graduated cylinders and empty boxes of Sudafed. - J.K.

ANIMAL PRINTS

Above: Balmain Fall 2010 Ready to Wear

Animal prints are timeless and never fully go "out" of style, but they are especially "in" this year. Several hot designers like Balmain and Moschino used leopard and zebra prints for fall '10 so expect to see them everywhere in the following months.
- M.C.

Yawn. Animal Print is the most boring ****ing thing ever. This was literally the first pattern humanity has ever had since the invention of the loincloth and it's STILL hanging around. If we're going to do animal print, let's do something we've never seen. Namely: squirrel print, tyrannosaurus rex print, panda print. If I see one more leopard print dress I'm just going to lose it (I'd even settle for ocelot print).
- J.K.